Published: October 23, 2009 08:55 am      

Fall cleanup leads to scary sights

With winter rapidly approaching, my last two weekends have been consumed with yard work.

I’ll be the first to admit that I may not be the most astute yard worker. Growing up, I rarely did more than mowing and had no ambition to mess with power tools. When it comes to home repair, my wife usually pokes fun at my inability to do “simple” tasks around the house.

A few months ago, my wife mentioned that we need to trim the limbs that laid and banged against the house. Up until a few weekends ago, those limbs were still resting on our roof, waiting to do more damage to an already worn roof.

“I’m just waiting for the weather to clear up,” my response would be when prompted to take care of the limbs. That seemed like a valid excuse since this fall has been nothing more than an extended winter. My comment would usually accompany an eye roll from my significant other.

I figured if I put the job off long enough, she would eventually give up and hire it done. That seemed like a good plan, considering I didn’t think the temperature would ever get above 40 until next March. However, about three weeks ago, I knew she meant business when she came home from the store, equipped with a new chainsaw.

I’ve never used a chainsaw and I’ve never had the desire to ever run one. It seemed like my wife was determined to get the limbs cut down, and she meant business that it had to be me. Usually I’m not one to grasp subtle hints, but even I understood what her purchase meant.

After a week of mentally preparing myself for running a chainsaw, we ventured out to the backyard where my task of trimming a few limbs off the roof took an unforeseen twist. The amazing part about our time in the yard is that we never stepped foot on the roof. Instead, we took care of every other tree in our backyard.

Four hours later, I came to the realization that maybe God didn’t intend for me to operate a chainsaw. Some people are meant to write, play sports or repair every machine under the sun. For me, I know the world is safer for me to abstain from playing basketball in public and running a chainsaw.

Unfortunately my wife didn’t get the memo on preserving the safety of America, since we still had to chop the limbs off the roof. That job occurred last week, with the help of a few friends, who provided another glimpse into an untalented area — maneuvering on my roof.

Once again, I didn’t spend my childhood days dreaming of running around on my roof and I don’t enjoy heights. But when I saw my friend climb up my roof like he was moving on an escalator, I decided to showcase my climbing skills.

As I rolled off the ladder (which I had my wife firmly hold in place) onto my roof, I realized that my friend needed supervision from afar, so I stayed a few inches (or feet) from the edge in case a strong wind pushed me off the roof. When my friend finished cutting the limbs off the house, I marveled at how easy he handled the chainsaw and pressed his feet against the edge of the roof without giving two thoughts about the consequences.

I eventually touched ground again that day, and hoped tree limbs grew at a snail’s pace.

Luckily winter has basically arrived, thwarting my efforts at home improvement in the yard. The city of Clinton can collectively breathe a sigh of relief, since the thought of me wielding a chainsaw won’t appear again until at least March.



Scott Levine is the Associate Editor for the Clinton Herald. He can be reached at scottlevine@clintonherald.com.