The Clinton Herald, Clinton, Iowa

October 4, 2013

Things that drive us crazy

The Clinton Herald

---- — This classic column was originally published May 17, 2008.

Sometimes, when you’re in a bad mood, there’s nothing more satisfying than hating something or someone. I hate it when:

They say it’s going to rain and it doesn’t, or they say it isn’t going to and it does.

The bag breaks.

I forget where I parked the car and don’t remember which pocket I put the key in when I do.

There isn’t quite enough coffee left in the old can and we have to open a new can and mix the new with the old.

The melon I paid $5 for is inedible.

There’s nothing to watch on television, or there are two things on at the same time, both of which I’d like to watch.

Something costs $1.96 and I get four cents change for two dollars.

I can’t get the sticky window up. I can’t get the sticky window down.

My troubles pass in review in the middle of the night when I can’t get back to sleep.

The story I’m reading on page one in the Sunday paper is continued on page 34 in Section II and someone else has Section II.

I come out in the morning to get the newspaper in the driveway and find I left the garage light on all night.

They don’t pick up the garbage because it’s some holiday we don’t celebrate in our house.

The last person in the shower used the soap down to a thin sliver of its former self and didn’t put a new cake in the dish.

The waiter asks what we want for dinner while we’re still reading the menu, and because we don’t order instantly, he disappears for 10 minutes.

It’s pouring rain and I have an umbrella in the car but I have to get out to open it.

It’s pouring rain and I have an umbrella — in the trunk of the car.

I lose one end of the string to my pajamas somewhere in the tunnel.

I can’t, for the life of me, open something where it says, “OPEN HERE.”

I stand in line at the supermarket behind someone I didn’t know was going to pay by check.

The person I call has an answering machine with a cute message that’s too long or one that says, “We can’t come to the phone right now”... as if they were really home.

A television news broadcast teases tomorrow’s show by telling me about a story that will be on. If they know the story today it won’t be news tomorrow; it will be history.

I forget my watch.

People at the movies take the aisle seats, even though they came early and are the only ones in the row.

A driver pulls into a parking space that would hold three cars and parks so badly that he takes up two spaces.

Every year, the newspapers run elaborate barbecue recipes for summer picnics. I only barbecue once a year and I keep things simple. Nothing fancy — just hamburgers and hotdogs.

Liberals take the liberal position on everything and conservatives take the conservative position on everything.

The controls in the shower of my hotel room are smarter than I am, and I either freeze or burn.

Football players who showboat after scoring a touchdown or sacking the quarterback.

Columnists with whose political convictions I disagree.