The Clinton Herald, Clinton, Iowa


December 9, 2013

Now, here are some laws we really need

This classic column was originally published Feb. 24, 1985.

Every legislative body is always passing more laws. Legislators have even been passing laws that not only protect us from each other but from ourselves, as well.

I was thinking of some laws that might be good for them to enact:

• Declare a ceiling on laws. Neither Congress nor any state legislature could pass a law without first rescinding an old one to make room for the new one.

• Car manufacturers would be banned from building cars that can go faster than it's legal to drive in this country. This would probably lead to a change in the legal speed limit.

• Make it illegal for anyone to go to a dirty movie without his or her mother. This would include mothers. Even a mother couldn't go to one without her mother. These would be known as MOM-rated movies.

• Thousands of Americans are killed each year in pedestrian accidents. Add a sentence to the seat belt laws passed in some states, making it illegal to cross the street.

• Set up police roadblocks and have officers check for junk in the glove compartments of cars. Anyone found with old, outdated road maps, broken pencils, unmatched gloves or dark glasses with one lens missing would have to return to "go."

• Part of the driver's test would be a seat belt time trial. Anyone would be denied a license who could not fasten or unfasten a seat belt in less than a minute.

• The post office would start charging a nickel for a stamp for a personal letter and $5 for a stamp on any piece of mail that contained advertising the recipient didn't want.

• Young children would travel for half fare on the airlines only if strangers who got assigned seats next to them also went for half fare.

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